


This Shit Is Weird: The Lavellan Tale

by LatinxShepard



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Basically, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack Treated Seriously, Cullen Rutheford is a Good Bro, Elves Are Kind of Dicks, F/M, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Lyrium Withdrawal, Mercenary Inquisitor, Multiple Inquisitors, Nightmares, Nobles Are Dicks, Non-Canon Inquisitor (Dragon Age), Non-Canonical, Qun Bashing, Qunari are Dicks, Ran-Away Teens, Rite of Tranquility, Solas Being Called Out, Solas Being Solas, Torture, Underage Drinking, detailed description of torture, pop culture references
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-06 01:33:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12806694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LatinxShepard/pseuds/LatinxShepard
Summary: Also known as: "How The Chantry Learned That They Shouldn't Make Any Rando The Inquisitor""I never expected that a breach in the sky would spill out the so called 'Herald of Andraste'.  I never expected that this herald would be an oh-so-uncontrolled apostate. Much less I through it would be a savage knife ears. Oh, and I just can’t get my mind around that the woman who 'was sent by Andraste and walked straight out of the fade' was apparently me."Valora Lavellan just was trying to do a favor for her clan. In the end, she ended up being hated by half humans she met and seen as a saint by the other half. Also she falls in love with a dick who is in love with himself and has to deal with the Chantry discovering that the Herald lived in a brothel and didn't belive in Andraste.Quoting Varric: "Well... Shit."





	1. Spilled Out by The Breach And I'm Doing NOT Fine

**Author's Note:**

> So I have Ocs. They have stories. They are not canon-compliant and I'm pretty sure 3 women living and running a tavern and a mercenary company is a bad idea. I'm pretty sure I only know how to write crack. So here you go: Valora Lavellan, ready to kick every racist ass she finds and shit talk the Qun even if her Qunari friend has said she'll end up having her ass kicked one of this days.  
> I'm stressed because of school so i said "The hell with it" and decided to write this self-service fic even thought I'm not even fluent in English.  
> Any English mistakes noticed, please let me know!  
> Have fun reading this late birthday gift to myself as i try to write crack seriously.
> 
> Tumblr: revaniteluke.tumblr.com

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valora has bad luck.

I never expected that a breach in the sky would spill out the so called “Herald of Andraste”.  I never expected that this herald would be an _oh-so-uncontrolled_ apostate. Much less I through it would be a savage _knife ears_. Oh, and I just can’t get my mind around that the woman who “was sent by Andraste and walked straight out of the fade” was apparently me.

Before we go in deep details on how my life went human crazy, let me tell you some quick facts about me: Valora Lavellan, 26 years old, Dalish elf, apostate, _not-Andrastian_ and a huge believer in the healing benefits of alcohol (probably a result of my up raising and work place, and probably a bad idea). Oh, and the second in command of a mercenary company. Yeah, that covers most of it.

When I, Valora, was asked by the clan Lavellan ( _my clan_ ) to spy on the conclave, I swear I offered to send the best rogues in The Black Widows Inc. free of charge, which was incredible generous of my part. A generosity that was thrown out with the rest of the garbage by the Lavellan clan.

No, those greedy elfs wanted me, Valora – unfortunately - Lavellan myself, to spy, because of “family and clan” and pulling the “mage” card. Also my boss can be scary when she has dealt enough with Dalishes for the day, including me.

So I put on my armor, pick up my staff and rode my horse to Haven, to be surround by badly-vailed racism, dog-smelled Fereldians and chantry sisters. Yay.

But then, when I suddenly heard Divine Justinia call for help with a pained voice, I knew there was something wrong. So, I ran; ran to Justinia, ran to stop her pain, ran because the only thing I wanted was for this stupid war to end and not to fear that every odd mission I got was a lie to get me murdered by Templars.

“Somebody, help!” I heard the Divine scream and picked up my staff as I kicked the door open with all of my strength.

“Who’s there?!” I screamed, as I quickly ran my eyes over the room. Blood mages? Templars? I couldn’t make out anymore. That’s weird. Well, that doesn’t matter to the moment. “Let the Divine go, now!”

Out of nowhere, a green light started lightening the room as I heard a deep voice say things I can’t recall. After that everything is hazy. But I don’t think they care.

“Tell me why we shouldn’t kill you _now_. The Conclave is destroyed. Everyone who attended is dead. Except for you.”

“You think I’m responsible?” I asked her, trying not to sound aggressive. A poorly job of my part. “All I know is that I was in the Fade, I saw a woman and fell. Out. Of. The. Sky.”

I saw the skepticism in both the Left and Right Hand of the Divine that held me prisoner. Walking physically in the Fade? No memories after such traumatic event? I heard a voice in the back of my head: “You should have just made something up!” Geez, conscience, thank you for your really late advice. It’s just an impression or that side of my conscience sounded weirdly like Helena?

Oh, I haven’t introduced you to Helena yet, right? Well, let me just give you the bare basics: Rogue, human, a brilliant liar and story teller and a bastard. Good mix, huh? Also, rumored to have been the inspiration for _at least_ 7 out of 10 of the best love songs released lately. And a good friend.

I realized that the black haired woman still looked at me, waiting for answers with an angry look on her face. I rolled my eyes, full aware the Seeker could see it and sighed, before answering her: “I didn’t do anything! I didn’t explode the conclave!”

“Oh?” You could see the disgust in her face just by listening to her words. She marched to me, roughly pulling my glowing neon green arm to my face as if I hadn’t seen yet “Explain _this_.”

“I…”I tried to give some kind of explanation, but the three of us in the stone room knew that I wouldn’t be able to find one. “I can’t.”

“What do you mean you can’t?!” The woman almost screamed, venom on her voice, almost like she was mocking my answer. I tried my best not to scream un-lady-like words to the woman with a big sword and her spy master.

“I don’t know what that _is_ or _how_ it got there!” I sounded like an angry mother trying to explain something to her teenage daughter, not that I had been in neither sides of the action before.

“You’re lying!” She moved as she would give me the best beating I ever got, making my hands unintentionally flex as if trying to grab my staff. Stupid brain. I turned my head slightly, protecting my face from the woman’s hand, feeling the hand get close before the ginger pulled the warrior back. Thank the gods, another chance to live.

Or at least to live with my face recognizable.

“We need her, Cassandra!” Wait, what? Need? Oh oh, that sounds like trouble. Unwanted trouble. No back up from my co-workers. Bad news. I panicked, and badly.

“Let me go.” The so-called Cassandra looked at me with death in her eyes and I tried my best to calm my heart beats down. Bad choice of words, bad strategic move, they said (“who said?” You may ask; my people. Elfs? No, not the Lavellan’s. The merc company.) “Whatever you think I did, I’m innocent.”

“Do you remember what happened? How it began?” The spy master asked me. Leliana, if I recall what my boss said right. Did she not hear the first things I said?

“I’ve told you! I remember running. Spider things were chasing me and then a woman and bam! I’m thrown out by the Fade!”

“A woman, you said?” Leliana asked m, turning her body that was turned away from me slightly to stare into my eyes as she waited for me to answer. “What was she doing?”

“She reached out to me…” I started, but everything past that stayed hazy in my head. I sighed angrily and shook my head, feeling Cassandra and Leliana stare at me, almost curiously. “But then…”

I couldn’t continue. The gap in my mind was to big to try to make sense so fast. Cassandra came in my direction and stared at Leliana before talking.

“Go to the forward camp, Leliana. I will take _Valora_ to the rift.” She pulled me up roughly as Leliana exited the cell. She said my name with so much venom as if she thought it was a lie. Which, in case you are wondering: no, it is not. But what I didn’t understand was what _is_ this _rift_?

“What happened?” I asked the warrior, searching eyes on the back of her head like a lost mabari as she replaced the handcuffs with rope. Useless, but a nice thought. “What is this rift?”

“It…” She started and let out something that sounded like a mix between a pant and a sigh, something that sounded like tiredness and disappointment. “It will be easier to show you.”

Cassandra led me and opened the door, the sun blinding me momently before I realized that it was 4 in the afternoon and what was blinding me wasn’t the sun. It was a fucking green tear in the sky that matched the thing in my hand. Fuck.

“We call it the Breach. It’s a massive rift into the world of demons that grows larger with each passing hour.” So an opening in the sky that let the demons out of the Fade. Great! You now can get your daily dose of chantry sisters worrying about abominations doubled by free, because that’s exactly what the mages need right now. “It’s not the only such rift, just the largest. All were caused by the explosion at the conclave.”

“This one did.” Cassandra answered, looking away to the villagers that stared at us and back to the rift. “Unless we act, the breach may grow until it swallows the world.”

Fuck. Before I could say anything else, like a “I’m getting out of here and gathering my women”, I heard a noise coming out of the Breach, looking up to see it get bigger just to my hand decide to compete with it and started crackling. And it hurt. My legs gave out and I fell with my knees to the ground, sure that bruises would be there in the next day. Good gods.

“Each time the Breach expands, your mark spreads…” She hesitated before continuing, “And it is killing you. It may be the key to stopping this but there isn’t much time.”

That’s it. It’s my death sentence. There’s no way I’m getting out of this story in one piece, right? I looked at the mark; its ugly green mocking me like Cassandra would never even be able to get close to.

“So I don’t really have a choice about this.” It was clear that my words left a bad taste on Cassandra’s mouth, but I needed to voice my thoughts, no matter how bitter and selfish they wore.

“None of us has a choice.” Classic Chantry raising was clear in the way she spoke. A proud soldier and the Right Hand of the Divine. I wasn’t in the mood for that. She pulled me up from the ground and started escorting me as if it was a walk of shame. I could see the villagers scowling at me, not different from what I’m used to receive as a _savage_.

“They have decided your guilt. They need it. The people of Haven mourn our Most Holy, Divine Justinia, head of the Chantry.” So they’ve decided that I’m the villain that assassinated the Divine. It’s okay, I understand. They need someone to blame; might as well be me. I know what people can do when they mourn. What they’re doing now could be ten times worse. Might as well _appreciate_ it.

“The Conclave was hers. It was a chance for peace between mages and Templars. She brought their leaders together. Now, they are dead.” Hearing Cassandra with her voice on the verge of breaking was uncomfortable, and I was finally realizing the scope of what really happened. It had been a massacre. I looked at her and opened my mouth to say anything, but nothing came out.

Cassandra signed to the soldiers waiting by the big wooden door them to open it as we stranded in front of it.

“We lash out, like the sky. But we must think beyond ourselves, as she did.” She looked at me pointedly as we walked through the gates as I pretended not to notice, a bit of shame rising on me and the image of my boss and guide disappointed face as she looked at me. “Until the breach is sealed.”

“There will be a trial.” She pulled a knife and cut the ropes that tied my hands together. I proceeded by turning them around, making sure the blood ran smoothly through my veins. “I can promise no more.”

“It’s all I ask for.” I looked in her eyes, hoping that my eyes transmitted the truthiness in my words.

“Come.” She gestured with her head as she put away her knife and pulled out her large sword. “It is not far.”

“Where are you taking me?” I ask, even if I am already following the warrior as I was trained to.

“Your mark must be tested on something smaller than the Breach.” She answered still looking forward. “Some associates have found a smaller rift. We have a theory.”

All I could hope was that theory was correct and I prayed to Sylaise and went forward with Cassandra, cursing all my ancestors back to the times of immortality. I’m fucked.


	2. 24K Magic In The Air (And In The Breach)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Also known as "I Make Magic Sound Like Fucking Sex".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote this almost entirely on my phone so if it looks odd it's because of it.
> 
> Edit: I had written "beast" insted of "crossbow" because I forgot literally translation can go really bad.

As Cassandra and I walked through the snow that started to melt recently, thanks to the Breach; I could feel the cold, cold water seeping through my boots to my socks, drowning them and making me shiver.

Sometimes, soldiers ran from the green thing direction, sometimes slamming their bodies against me, almost bringing me down with them. When they did, my hands searched for my staff on my back, returning empty. God, a part of me felt _nude_ without it. Felt vulnerable, even if I didn't actually need the staff to magic.

I heard crackling, both from my hand and the sky, and so the pain returned, bringing me down with it. _Fuck_ , it hurts so. Fucking. Much. Cassandra turned around with the sound of my grunting and leaned down to face me.

"Are you okay?" She asked, her voice a little restrained, thing that I have realized it's a normal characteristic of her voice. I nodded, taking her hand to get up. "Up there, we'll meet someone that knows more about the fade than everyone else I have ever seen. He will help us."

I turned to the point she, well... pointed, near the top of the mountain we were, where I could see movement. Frantic movement, I may add. If we wanted that guy and the soldiers up there alive, we need to hurry. We kept the pace slightly faster than we should for a mountain covered snow path, until I sighted movement on top of the frozen lake we neared.

"Cassandra." I called, she looked at me and then turned to the point my head nodded to. A demon. _Great_. She took her sword and her shield out, in a defensive stance and said:

"I'll deal with it." The warrior didn't even turned to me as she already approximated the demon in front of us. I opened my mouth to protest because I could help, but she cut me. "Don't move."

As soon as Cassandra sword encountered the demon's not-flesh, I heard a noise from behind and froze. _Fuck_. I turned and another rage demon graced me. Fuck me. Fuck. Okay, okay, look around and see what you can use as advantage, Valora. I turned to my right, seeing a staff, resting on top of wooden box, waiting for me. I smirked and launched myself in the weapon's direction. Convenient weapon placing is convenient.

As I grabbed the staff, the magic inside of me automatically started tingling, my connection with the Fade feeling stronger with the staff as a conductor. I felt the ice, mainly, raise above the others magic elements inside of me, as it begged for relief and I gave it to it, feeling the power leaving my body to hit the spirit. _Gods_ , it's so good to do magic after so long.

I kept striking it's body with ice, fire and electricity, each time it getting weaker, until it gave out, dying in front of my eyes. I felt the ghost of a smirk on my lips as I turned to speak with Cassandra, only to be met with the end of a sharp sword. The sharp end.

"Drop the staff, _now_!" She screamed with anger and a hint of fear in her face and I held in a sarcastic buff. I helped her to save us and _that's_ her answer?

"Do you really think I need a staff to be dangerous? I'm a _Black Widow_." I let out, a growl hidden in the back of my words. I could see it in her face that she loathed my answer, but at that point, I couldn't care less. I took a deep breath in to calm myself and proceeded to talk to her: "Look, if we're going to face more demons, than I need to protect myself, and with the staff, there's less chances to me passing out in the middle of the battle. I won't turn against you. You're my only chance to live."

"Right now, your words aren't really worth much, but..." She hesitated, and brought the sword to sit in her back again. I brought my staff to my back again as a peace sign, trying to hide the wound her words had left in my pride. "If we are getting to the top of this hill and you're gonna be closing the Breach, I guess I'll need to trust you with a weapon and my _back_."

I nodded, even though she had already turned as we proceeded to walk the path. The snow got thicker the way up, the colder it got, but it also seemed to melt more. Maybe the Breach let out heat? I should look into that. We met, I don't know, 2, 3 fade demons and spirits on our way up, until the sound of battle got nearer.

The battle ground was a stone construction. Maybe some kind of watch tower or something once rested there, but now all you had was stones and broke stones. The snow there was scarce, maybe from the heat of the warriors. Battling the demons were soldiers in Templars armor (a part of me was willing to run away in that moment), a dwarf with a very open red shirt and shiny and hard-to-identify-colored hair with a crossbow on his hands and... An elf? What is an elf, a mage above all, who didn't see to be Chantry-mabari-trained? A masochist, perhaps? Or just not sane at all?

Cassandra and I invaded the battle, making our best to ban the demons and help the soldiers, since the other two seemed to be handling themselves. The magic flowed out off my staff like the weapon was an extension of myself and not just a big wood stick to fuck my enemies ups. The dwarf finished the last rage demon with an arrow to the chest and turned to Cassandra with a snarky smile.

That's when I realized I was in for a wild ride.


End file.
